Well it all began years ago. In a small hospital, in a small town, in a small world, in a big... outer space. I was born. After that I learned to read. After that I became Postmaster General, at age 13.
After touring the world with Renaldo, my luggage boy, I settled in Turkey. There I became Minister of Lucid Exaggerations. A title I keep to this day. My wife died of old age. Which was kinda good actually. We never were on speaking terms... and she was always very old. Old and crummy. I then found myself in the throws of the Revolution. I was the official brick thrower.
The Denim Revolution. It was bloody and blue. Donning my jean jacket I rode into battle. Slaying fools and simps in their Members Only jackets. I woke up on the shores of Alabama. The fires of revolution still burned bright in my eyes. And my heart. There I met a lovely southern bell.
So we started a phone company. And a revolution. This one was far less bloody, it was like all the revolutions that you hear psychos rant on and on about every month or so, like the Beatles or Ron Paul. We called it the sleeping revolution. Or the Sleepolution. That sounds like pollution from sleeping. Like if someone has bad breath. HA! She died too by the way. She died from ADD. She caught it from me which I caught from the bite of the Mongolian Death Worm.
It was huge. And it had a gnashing, sharp maw. It spits poison and can electrocute the ground, killing you were you stand. I fought an army of them during the Worm Revolution.
The Wormolution. It wasn't really bloody, but there was death everywhere. They halted Genghis Khan's advance preventing him from conquering the world. I donned a rubber poncho and elevator shoes to protect me from their electrical attacks. And hardhat/faceshield combo to protect me from their poison spit. At that point you only have to worry about their chompers. Every swing of my blade was another 3 kills. Frasash! Frasash! Finally like a bajillion of them had me surrounded in the Valley of Burning Death. Realizing they had no eyesight and reacted to vibration I threw my electric razor to the ground. My electric razor... packed with C4! That only held them off though. A concert was recently held in the Valley of Burning Death. It was some nut jobs and Maryjo in the desert. Pearl Jam was there. I think that was the reason the Mongolian death worms started to revolt. Pearl Jam. They make my lunch revolt. HA again! They hadn't finished taking down the main stage. While they were stunned from the C4 I jumped to the stage and grabbed the mic. There calling forth all of my skills from my years in the Traveling Turkish Boys Choir I sang with all my might. The worms began to convulse. There was only one way to stop them. Hitting a shrill C note that would cripple Prince's larynx the worms sploded! In a bloody fury. Well besides that it wasn't bloody.
And that's why I can never sing again. Mine wasn't a lethal case though, Of ADD... And that is how I invented cold fusion.